I was dreading what I realized to be the fate of Christmas' future. From here on out, there would no longer be any presents for me to sneak and shake when Jeff wasn't around. I could no longer try to pry tidbits of information out of my young daughter, trying to decipher what was wrapped up for me. My stocking would forever hang empty. Not that I miss the candies I couldn't eat or the odd treats Jeff would place into my stocking. It was the fun and anticipation of seeing what goofy item he could find to put in there that I'd miss most. Jeff always made Christmas fun and special. It was his favorite time. He would wrestle bundles of lights to decorate the outside of the house, knowing we never had any visitors come by. We lived in the country, over a mile from any neighbors. But it brought him joy to drag us outside as he lit the house with lights. Each year it grew. A new tree one year, lights on the arbor the next. But now he isn't around to make the house sparkle.
So...another holiday season has come and gone. I realized this year just how affected a single parent can be by Christmas. I realized that without the generosity of my parents, the only gifts under the tree would be for my child. The blues immediately set in at this realization. Not that I must receive gifts to be happy. It was the anticipation and the joy on my husbands face when he was able to surprise me with a gift.
My parents helped my daughter to put a few presents under the tree for me to open on Christmas. It was such a simple gesture, yet it made me feel less alone. And that is when I realized it was time to stop living in the past if I was going to ever move forward. So this year, I took Lexi and bought a real tree. I trimmed the tree up, popped it into a stand and strung it with lights. ALL BY MYSELF! Woo to the hoo!
My daughter did some chores and earned Christmas shopping money. She purchased gifts for her friends, grandparents and for her dear ol' Mom. It was great to see her excitement in providing a gift for me under the tree. Lexi even stuffed my stocking! She tried so hard to get me to open one gift before Christmas day (And it was hard not to cave in to her). It was then that I became aware of how much she is like her Dad. She had the same holiday excitement that he possessed and the same odd choice of gift selections —hand sanitizer in 6 different scents!
But it was absolutely perfect because it was given with love. And if my future is to be as it was this Christmas, then that is okay. Because I can make Christmas magic as long as I have my daughter and my family. This is one learning curve that I feel I conquered!
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