A Dead Man Tells No Tales

No, this isn't a post about pirates. Arrrrr! But it is about the things you think your loved one would say about acts you commit after they are gone.

For instance, the funeral. A funeral is so quickly held after the death of a loved one that the widow/-er barely has time to process what is going on around them. Much less time to decide what songs should be played, who should speak at the service, etc. So I found myself agreeing to things that I knew my husband would have thrown a fit over, if he were still alive.

My husband was married to a lady we'll call *Jane for purposes of anonymity. Jeff and Jane married young and had two children. After 10 yrs. of marriage, Jane decided she needed to complete some unfulfilled life experiences. Namely, she needed to go party her ass off for a few years. Jeff was always bitter over the divorce and subsequent abandonment of the children. Although Jeff became grateful he was no longer in a loveless marriage, he held very little respect for someone who would leave their children. His son came to live with us full-time the first year into our marriage at age 9. The daughter bounced between homes, eventually settling with her mother.

Jeff's distaste for his ex ran so deep, that he had it written into our will that she not be allowed anywhere near his funeral. Yep, barrrred. Pirate reference totally intended.

But in the last two years of his life, he was spending more time with his son who married and shortly thereafter had a child of his own. Therefore, we were around the Ex more than usual. Things had finally smoothed out and the two of them could be in the same room together without an explosion. Finally peace!

So, as I sat in the family room at the funeral home with my two step-children, they asked about their Mom coming to the funeral. It was time to come clean...I told them of Jeff's wishes in his will. But then I allowed it. Yes, I went over my deceased husbands will and allowed his Ex to attend his funeral. He was cremated, so I was safe that there would be no grave diving! Things had finally become peaceful over the last years and I felt that it would bring even more harmony to not make it an issue about her attendance.

So how did it go you ask? Well, generally speaking she behaved. Jane didn't try to sneak into the family receiving line or snatch any flowers for herself. BUT. Yes, there is a but. When I entered the sanctuary, there she sat on the front row. The row reserved for me and the children. My daughter was on the 2nd row. Not. Cool. Without hesitation, I asked her to move a row back and I brought my daughter up front with me and the step-children. We were his current family. It was time for her to take a backseat. She had her time and she forfeited it.

When her son took my hand in his and sobbed throughout the ceremony, I kept his hand low. Not wanting to hurt her feelings. But midway through the ceremony, she popped her butt back up on the front row. HOW TASTELESS! Was her need for attention that severe?

If Jeff could have spoken he'd have said, "mmm hmmm. I tried to tell you not to let her come", then he'd follow with, "always gotta do it your way don't cha?".  And he would've been right. I just hated being the one left behind who had to face his kids during the planning and say, sorry Dad has banned your Mom. To this day, her need to be up front and center during the service still bothers me. But it was of my own doing.

Did you let anything slide at your loved one's funeral/service that you regret?

Weekend Blues

So I find myself dreading another weekend. No... not because I am a type A workaholic. Not I. But because weekends are the time that you go out with friends and family. It's Fall Festival, football game, snuggling with the one you love time of year. Only I know that I have no close friends to hang out with and being the 3rd wheel of my friends that are couples has grown tiresome.

Don't get me wrong. I love my baby girl. But if I hear one more story about who talked about who on Facebook or why life is cruel because Jenny said something mean to her best friend who then went and told Bobby that Jenny doesn't love Bobby anymore because he doesn't listen to the right kind of music and she is in love with Curt who doesn't even like girls yet because he's only twelve and cannot understand the complexities of teenagers. AAAGGGHHH!

Hanging with my 13 yr. old daughter is great. However, when she spends time with her friends, I find myself sitting in my car asking myself, "now what?". What do I do with myself? At first the free time was great! I had pedicures, went shopping, etc. But that quickly grew old as I realized I was doing all of those things ALONE. I need adult companionship. Not so much a date, but a friend. Someone who has things in common with myself. I have reached out to female friends, but I am not interested in going to bars or looking for men. I need a "friend". A FRIEND. Someone to talk to, to laugh with and to just be an adult with.

I need an adult conversation with an actual adult. Just once please. When I was married I spent my time with my husband and child. Occasionally other couples. No single friends. That has come back to bite me now.

What do you do to fill the void? How do you cope without your spouse during down times? Did you lose any friends when your spouse died?

A Few More Details (okay, ALOT more details)

Well, as told in the story of my husband's accident, I want to give you a few more details. After receiving confirmation from the ER Dr. that my daughter was okay, I left her in the care of my Mother and sister at the local hospital. My Father drove me to the trauma center an hour away to be with my husband. The entire ride was riddled with phone calls from my husbands son and daughter, my brother, the Doctors, everyone. They were all calling to tell me to get there quick, he wasn't going to survive much longer.

When I entered the curtained area where my husband lay, he was surrounded by two men I didn't recognize, a nurse, my niece and my brother. The two men introduced themselves as hospital chaplains. They had been praying over Jeff. My niece the beauty queen, her face red from tears. I realized I'd never seen her cry my entire life. Bobby, my brother sat on a stool with his face in his hands. Sobbing hysterically as he was losing the only brother he'd ever known. They were the best of friends. But all I could think about was how I'd never seen him so upset and that he couldn't have a heart attack. Not. today.

I spoke to my husband even though he was not conscious. I wasn't sure whether to touch him, not touch him, just not sure what to do. His chest was 3x thicker than normal. I didn't realize that this was swelling. His head was wrapped in bandages and his body was covered with white blankets. I looked down at his hand and realized that the entire bed was red with blood beneath his body. The Doctors had been unable to find the source of his bleeding in surgery. Actually, everything was bleeding within his body. It was as if you mashed a wet sponge. It leaks water from everywhere, not just one spot. So you can't stop the leaking.

People came in and left. I stepped out a time or two to let his adult children say goodbye. The Doctor took this opportunity to share with me his injuries. He explained that my husband was only on oxygen and could pass at any minute. He just kept repeating that he couldn't understand why he was still alive. In all of his years, he'd never seen someone still alive so long after such a severe trauma.

So I immediately went back to my husbands side. It's amazing how you realize that this is it. Your spouse is going to die. Today. I told myself, you'd better make some mental notes, because you will not see him after this. So I hooked his pinky finger and mine together and I leaned into his ear and whispered, Together Forever baby. You see, that is something he always did throughout our 18 yr. marriage. He even had the phrase engraved into our wedding rings when we renewed our vows on our 10 yr. anniversary. So I knew he would hear me and I never wanted to forget the feeling of his hand in mine. I caressed his hand, studied it and cried.

The nurse standing across from me never left my husbands side. She was monitoring the oxygen and heart monitor. Thank God they didn't have the sound turned up on the monitor. The nurse introduced herself and to this day I can't tell you her name. But she was special. I saw her lift my husbands hand and the next thing I knew she was handing me his wedding band. I took the ring and placed it on my thumb. This was one of the most unsettling acts of the whole night. At that moment the nurse, who was only trying to make sure I got Jeff's ring, made me very aware that I am about to be a widow and no longer married. I find it hard to even write that statement without tears in my eyes. For my marriage to Jeff was the one thing that always felt right. It was meant to be.

The Doctors were repeatedly in and out of the room. They weren't checking on Jeff, but on me. I think they were waiting on me to pass out or have a melt down. The Doctors just couldn't believe his heart was still beating with no other means of artificial support. Family continued to come and go as everyone broke down and sobbed and clung to each other for support. The nurse finally exited the room and came to me and hugged me. She was sobbing. I found this shocking for a woman who didn't even know Jeff. She said she had never before been so moved by the love and prayer around one man.

Back with Jeff I was sobbing knowing this would be my last time with him. I held his hand again, memorizing the warmth and feel of his hands. I leaned in to his ear and whispered, together forever Jeff, we'll be together forever. I told him that it was okay to go, that he had saved Lexi and she was okay. I told him to let go.

Then the strangest thing happened. I straightened up, stopped crying immediately, looked at my Dad and said in the calmest voice of the night, "He's gone. We need to go be with Lexi". The look on my Dad's face was pure shock. How callous did I sound? I know everyone in the room thought, you bitch, how can you leave like that? But something just came over me that I had never felt before. It was an intense sense of calm as if someone was taking me by the shoulders and turning me around to leave the room. I knew. I knew what no one else did. Jeff had finally let go when I told him that our daughter was okay and it was time for me to return to her and care for her.

At the moment I said that he was gone, the Doctor came through the curtain and said, "Mrs. Hines, his heart just quit beating". The Pastor called everyone to pray. As our heads were down, someone started singing. SINGING!!! Who does that? I raised my head, pissed that someone was rudely interrupting the prayer. Then I realized. The voice was that of an angel. I immediately relaxed as the nurse who had stood by Jeff's side sang the words to "The Prayer" by Celine Dion. It was beautiful and it was just for Jeff.

I will always question what everyone thought of me leaving way that I did, immediately after my husband passed. But I know it was Jeff sending me to care for her. Just as he would have done. She needed me. And I needed her.

Introduction

Last night I started crying at 7:30pm. It didn't stop until 12:30 in the morning. It's been a year and a half. How much longer will this go on? Why was the best man in the world taken so tragically?

Does anyone out there who has lost their spouse or partner feel like it's killing them?

I lied awake on the couch last night thinking there has to be someone I can talk to. Someone who isn't sitting in a chair giving me the scripted 10 steps of grief and then taking my check afterwards. Anyone who can truly relate to what I am feeling. So at that moment I did what any self respecting widow would do. I googled! I came across a blog written by a widow who has finally turned a new leaf in her life. It wasn't so much her blog that helped stop my tears, it was all of the followers comments. OMG! who knew that just by tuning in to what others were sharing would help so much!?

So today, this blog was born. A place for me and you to cry, laugh, be ridiculously weepy and maybe in the end, we'll heal a little. Your comments and posts are welcome here any day, any time.