A Few More Details (okay, ALOT more details)

Well, as told in the story of my husband's accident, I want to give you a few more details. After receiving confirmation from the ER Dr. that my daughter was okay, I left her in the care of my Mother and sister at the local hospital. My Father drove me to the trauma center an hour away to be with my husband. The entire ride was riddled with phone calls from my husbands son and daughter, my brother, the Doctors, everyone. They were all calling to tell me to get there quick, he wasn't going to survive much longer.

When I entered the curtained area where my husband lay, he was surrounded by two men I didn't recognize, a nurse, my niece and my brother. The two men introduced themselves as hospital chaplains. They had been praying over Jeff. My niece the beauty queen, her face red from tears. I realized I'd never seen her cry my entire life. Bobby, my brother sat on a stool with his face in his hands. Sobbing hysterically as he was losing the only brother he'd ever known. They were the best of friends. But all I could think about was how I'd never seen him so upset and that he couldn't have a heart attack. Not. today.

I spoke to my husband even though he was not conscious. I wasn't sure whether to touch him, not touch him, just not sure what to do. His chest was 3x thicker than normal. I didn't realize that this was swelling. His head was wrapped in bandages and his body was covered with white blankets. I looked down at his hand and realized that the entire bed was red with blood beneath his body. The Doctors had been unable to find the source of his bleeding in surgery. Actually, everything was bleeding within his body. It was as if you mashed a wet sponge. It leaks water from everywhere, not just one spot. So you can't stop the leaking.

People came in and left. I stepped out a time or two to let his adult children say goodbye. The Doctor took this opportunity to share with me his injuries. He explained that my husband was only on oxygen and could pass at any minute. He just kept repeating that he couldn't understand why he was still alive. In all of his years, he'd never seen someone still alive so long after such a severe trauma.

So I immediately went back to my husbands side. It's amazing how you realize that this is it. Your spouse is going to die. Today. I told myself, you'd better make some mental notes, because you will not see him after this. So I hooked his pinky finger and mine together and I leaned into his ear and whispered, Together Forever baby. You see, that is something he always did throughout our 18 yr. marriage. He even had the phrase engraved into our wedding rings when we renewed our vows on our 10 yr. anniversary. So I knew he would hear me and I never wanted to forget the feeling of his hand in mine. I caressed his hand, studied it and cried.

The nurse standing across from me never left my husbands side. She was monitoring the oxygen and heart monitor. Thank God they didn't have the sound turned up on the monitor. The nurse introduced herself and to this day I can't tell you her name. But she was special. I saw her lift my husbands hand and the next thing I knew she was handing me his wedding band. I took the ring and placed it on my thumb. This was one of the most unsettling acts of the whole night. At that moment the nurse, who was only trying to make sure I got Jeff's ring, made me very aware that I am about to be a widow and no longer married. I find it hard to even write that statement without tears in my eyes. For my marriage to Jeff was the one thing that always felt right. It was meant to be.

The Doctors were repeatedly in and out of the room. They weren't checking on Jeff, but on me. I think they were waiting on me to pass out or have a melt down. The Doctors just couldn't believe his heart was still beating with no other means of artificial support. Family continued to come and go as everyone broke down and sobbed and clung to each other for support. The nurse finally exited the room and came to me and hugged me. She was sobbing. I found this shocking for a woman who didn't even know Jeff. She said she had never before been so moved by the love and prayer around one man.

Back with Jeff I was sobbing knowing this would be my last time with him. I held his hand again, memorizing the warmth and feel of his hands. I leaned in to his ear and whispered, together forever Jeff, we'll be together forever. I told him that it was okay to go, that he had saved Lexi and she was okay. I told him to let go.

Then the strangest thing happened. I straightened up, stopped crying immediately, looked at my Dad and said in the calmest voice of the night, "He's gone. We need to go be with Lexi". The look on my Dad's face was pure shock. How callous did I sound? I know everyone in the room thought, you bitch, how can you leave like that? But something just came over me that I had never felt before. It was an intense sense of calm as if someone was taking me by the shoulders and turning me around to leave the room. I knew. I knew what no one else did. Jeff had finally let go when I told him that our daughter was okay and it was time for me to return to her and care for her.

At the moment I said that he was gone, the Doctor came through the curtain and said, "Mrs. Hines, his heart just quit beating". The Pastor called everyone to pray. As our heads were down, someone started singing. SINGING!!! Who does that? I raised my head, pissed that someone was rudely interrupting the prayer. Then I realized. The voice was that of an angel. I immediately relaxed as the nurse who had stood by Jeff's side sang the words to "The Prayer" by Celine Dion. It was beautiful and it was just for Jeff.

I will always question what everyone thought of me leaving way that I did, immediately after my husband passed. But I know it was Jeff sending me to care for her. Just as he would have done. She needed me. And I needed her.